Life: for a limited time only.

My mind likes to run in circles. Sometimes when I read my own writing I feel like I can see concentric little circles of thought spiraling their way down the page. Likewise, I find that each season holds its own set of cyclic thoughts, memories, and compulsions, and each year they return like clockwork—circling back to remind me of where I’ve been and where I’m headed. 

Spring has forever been my season of crossroads, of evaluation, of decision.With the monumental decision at hand now, I’ve realized something really amazing: There are no wrong answers. There are no bad options. Not anymore, baby.

 I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that. I guess age and education really do bring some valuable gifts, and I’m so grateful to have gained and realized. With that thought swirling around my head, the decision seems much more of a blessing than a curse. It knocked out some blockage up there and dusted off a whole room full of perennial spring dreams.

 Ever since I found out that a unique and brazen bunch of people set out each year to through-hike the 2,200 miles of the Appalachian Trail, I’ve dreamed of saddling myself up and meeting them at Springer Mt; and each early spring I’m reminded that I’m still not among them, and I wonder why.

I’ve always wanted to travel out West, working seasonal jobs in the desert. I’ve even accepted jobs in the Four Corners states on a few occasions, but I’ve never gone. I want to volunteer in a developing country. I want to actually give writing a go, even if it means selling my eggs and slingin’ Timmy’s coffee… There are so many dreams I’ve thrown away because they just weren’t feasible. Everyone has those, I guess.

But why we choose to toss those shiny little dreams over our shoulders is probably a little more personal. Probably the most common two reasons are: something better came up, or I just had to focus on my career/finances/family… It’s totally understandable. That’s life.

 
Of course those have been some of my common factors as well, but on the other hand I’m realizing that one of the biggest culprits is actually fear. I always sort of imagined myself somewhat less prone to fear (I like to think I grew up like a Kingsolver woman or a London man), but I’m slowly realizing just how much that nasty little four-letter wretch has dictated my life.

I’ve been afraid to commit to going home in case I don’t find a job. I’ve been afraid to stay in case it turns out to be a sad and lonely year. I’ve been afraid to look outside those two options because I worked so hard to get where I am now.

But, when I let go of the fear I can see something really exquisite: there is no expiration date on my career.

I’ve been working so hard for that career pass—that little piece of paper that gets my foot in the door. And here I am, standing fully inside that room, with nothing expiring but my life. Whether I land a job today, tomorrow, or three years from now doesn’t matter. That option will forever be open to me, but some other parts of life may not…

And that brings me to the most powerful fear of all: not being accepted, not being understood, not being approved. We single people often find ourselves in the same really beautiful boats; only trouble is that many of the child-laden powerboat people out there think our sails are vain and inadequate and feel the need to point that out as regularly as the tides knock us around.

Do I sound bitter? GOOD. I’m tired of people shooting pea holes in my sails.

I admit, I’ve caught myself thinking it too: when you get into the real world, you’ll realize why that’s not feasible. But why on earth do we all feel the need to judge other people’s lives based on our own? There ARE people out there who grow up and never marry, never have kids, never settle into a house, career, and square little box. Are they all immoral, degenerate losers? Not even at a glimpse. Not even for a second.

But still, if I told most people that I was going to give up my life and job here in Sweden, go back to North America, get a puppy, work as a sub until next March then hike the AT, they would have a very common reaction: why is she throwing it all away? Why won’t she grow up?   

Yes, I am up on my soapbox, and I am yelling.

 

  

Love ya, but I just don't need your stamp on my life...

 

 

BEING SINGLE DOES NOT EQUATE TO BEING YOUNG AND IMMATURE!

DIFFERENT DECISIONS AND VALUES DO NOT EQUATE TO WRONG DECISIONS AND VALUES!

INGENUITY AND AMBITION IN THOUGHT AND DREAM DO NOT EQUATE TO IMPULSIVITY!

QUIT TRYING TO IMPOSE YOUR VALUES ON MY LIFE!

 

 

 

Phew, got that out. In short, I’ve realized that other people run my life far too much. I think it may be more of a single person’s curse, as it’s hard to forget judgment when there’s no one at home to back you up. I think many of us are seen as younger because our lives are so much “easier.” That’s a whole blog for another day, though.

I’ve been afraid of losing my chance at my career. I’ve been afraid of making the wrong decision. I’ve been afraid of letting my family down. I’ve been afraid of relegating myself to a life without a family. I’ve been afraid of everything. And I had no idea.

I hold no illusions. I realize that I may remain single for the rest of my life and that my family may never understand or approve of my decisions. But what’s most important is that I know that my career isn’t going anywhere, but my life is running out by the second. And no one can find that happy variable but me. I’m going to take it in whatever form it arrives, and I’m going to search for it anywhere I please without fear.

And I’ll welcome all thoughts, suggestions, and constructive criticism. All judgment and guilt will be tossed aside though, because I’m going to make this decision on my own, based on my life and values. Because this life is mine—for a limited time only.